I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
