My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
