That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
