We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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