sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
