Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
