I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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