I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
