Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
