Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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