alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
