ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize