Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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