too bad you live with your parents still
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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