So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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