If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
