i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
