non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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