tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
