So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
