your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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