So drunk its hurt
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
