As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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