She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize