We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
they're like a gay fantastic four
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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