i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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