I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
