So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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