I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
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