Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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