If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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