I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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