The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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