do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
