Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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