I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
