True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
