Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
