I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
