how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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