my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
