the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
