i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
