I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
