im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
