I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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