20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I got inside last night via doggy door
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
