So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
