Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
