yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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