He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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