she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
