Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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