the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
