I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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