Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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