If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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