billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
