he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
