yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
