if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
