Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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