so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
