Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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